


In The Warm Light

by Nyx_Fedra



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: But is it really?, Dorks in Love, F/M, Hate Sex, Light Angst, Non-Linear Narrative, Office Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-24
Updated: 2019-11-24
Packaged: 2021-02-26 07:26:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,892
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21549856
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nyx_Fedra/pseuds/Nyx_Fedra
Summary: It was supposed to be simple, an outlet for their frustrations with one another, like scratching an inch and maybe, maybe, Rey had thought, a way to torment him as much as he tormented her during the day. But it feels as if the only thing they’ve archived is to bond with one another in a way neither of them seems to fully understand.From the Reylo Prompts: ”Rey has this intense hate sex thing going on with Ben, but after a particularly shitty day she breaks down and asks him to hold her. And he does.”
Relationships: Rey & Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Rey/Ben Solo
Comments: 88
Kudos: 550
Collections: Reylo Prompt Fills (@reylo_prompts)





	In The Warm Light

**Author's Note:**

> It was a fine day and I was scrolling through my tl until I came across [this](https://twitter.com/reylo_prompts/status/1193086573312692225?s=20) prompt, which got stuck in my head, and then I started writing. To be fair, it took longer than I expected but I've had very little time to edit, as always, English is not my first language so if there are mistakes they are entirely my own.

It’s not a thing she completely understands, the way his weight on her seems to soothe the cold that has been lingering in her bones for as long as she can remember. Or the way his hands make her breath hitch in their wake, every inch of her body suddenly free of the insecurities that have plagued her since her teenage years. It doesn't make sense, it isn't supposed to feel like _this_ , he wasn't supposed to look at her like _that_. She wasn't supposed to have to fight the urge to look for his eyes, to feel the fire that he sparked inside her burn even hotter when he looked too overwhelmed to keep his eyes fixed on her, she wasn't supposed to be as turned on by his moans as she is. But Rey can't find it in herself to even _try_ to make it stop. 

It was supposed to be simple, an outlet for their frustrations with one another, like scratching an inch and maybe, _maybe_ , Rey had thought, a way to torment him as much as he tormented her during the day. But it feels as if the only thing they’ve archived is to bond with one another in a way neither of them seems to fully understand. 

* * *

Her legs shake when she comes, but she tries to hold him close as he loses his rhythm and comes inside her with a moan that makes her shiver. His right hand is still holding hers above her head while his left trails up and down her body in a lazy caress, his open mouthed kisses on her neck making her smile and sight, sated and almost happy here, in his bed, underneath him, where his large hands do nothing but give her exactly what she needs, whilst making her feel precious but never fragile. The truth is that Ben handles her just _enough_ , he’s rough just the right amount, tenderness coming out of his fingertips and his mouth even if he doesn't mean it to. 

It’s too much and not enough all at the same time, and at the end Rey never stays. She picks up her clothes and gets dressed while he looks at her in a way she still can't decipher, his face half hidden by the duvet under which he seems to try to hide his huge frame every time she leaves the bed and he’s not escaping first by taking a shower. And then she closes the door and leaves his house, and then the elevator doors open in the morning and she sees him standing tall and dark against the white and grey of the office, his eyes never falling on her unless necessary, until she rings the doorbell for his apartment and he opens the door so quickly she almost convinced herself he was waiting for her. 

* * *

Rey has learned to hate silently, to _feel_ quietly while smiling lightly. To be loud, to be noticed, was never a good thing while she grew up, because she was already outside the age that was silently considered as _adoptable_ when she entered the foster system, so she had to learn the qualities necessary to survive fast, and she did. She has never felt the urge to match anyone’s screams, anyone's display of violence, not even when Plutt was at his worse, not until Ben Solo appeared in her life. A six foot tall men who was irritated simply by others breathing in his general direction on his worst days, and it’s on _those_ days that Rey almost wants to physically fight him, to match his tone and his rage. She cannot stand the way he speaks to her, the way he always leaves comments on her work, the way his eyes are fixed on her for the entirety of her presentation, listening to her every word, even though everyone else's wonder from time to time, and only to then point out everything she forgot to include. 

She hates that he's competent and punctual and demanding, and that he expects the same and more from everyone else. She hated him even before she first met him in conference room seven, when the second hand description of his hostile take over of First Order made her dislike even more than she already did the corporate world in which she was stuck in. To say that she, and many others, had questioned Leia’s good judgment when Ben Solo’s proposal to unite First Order and The Rebellion to create Resistance Enterprises was accepted was an understatement. But Leia said yes, and so it happened anyway despite their opinions on the matter. Then Ben Solo walked right into her life and there was nothing she could do to avoid him, or to avoid the feelings of hate and rage and something she couldn’t name that began to bubble inside her, clashing every day more forcefully with the idea of ‘Rey-Sunshine’ and ‘Rey-Sunflower’ that everyone had of her, that _she_ had - _wanted to have, to believe_ \- of herself. Most of all, she hated the way Ben Solo made her question everything, herself, her past, how much her friends really knew her. She also wonders daily how sharp his gaze really is, how much he can see of her. How much she is really _seeing_ of him.

‘You’re nothing like Han’ she said right to his face the second week after the fusion, an empty conference table between them and hate in her mouth, bitter on her tongue.

Ben Solo chuckled at that, eyes dark and cold.

‘It took me some time to kick Snoke and his outdated ideas out, but that I am _too much_ like Han is, _unfotunately_ , the only truth he ever told me’.

‘That’s a lie!’ Rey almost screamed, hands fisted at her sides.

‘Is it?’ Ben asked, his eyes fixed on hers for just a moment before he turned his back to her, walking out.

* * *

‘So warm and wet for me’ he murmurs in her ear before biting her lobe lightly, pushing inside her slowly, kissing the back of her neck, one of his hands on her breasts, the other on her hip, keeping her right where he wants her. And she feels so good, _so good_ , he could ask anything of her and she would say _yes_. 

Instead he asks: ‘Like this?’

He picks up his peace, hitting _that_ spot just right, and Rey can only nod.

’So good, so good, Rey’ he murmurs again, and it’s hard for her to hide how much she likes it. She doubts she’s ever been this wet before. 

‘You can come on me, if you want’ she manages to choke out in the end, and Ben seems to lose it, making her fall as well. 

‘You’re very good at this whole hate sex thing, we should have done it sooner instead of screaming at each other’ she says afterwards, while getting dressed.

It’s probably her imagination, but Ben seems to go pale all of a sudden, then he walks into the bathroom and she walks out of the door, trying to think of nothing _but_. 

* * *

'I know you can do better’ he tells her one day, when they stand on the precipice of another shouting match. Exactly three months after the fusion has been officially announced. 

There is so much Rey wants to say: she is tired, she just wants to go home, and she hates how she knows he's right, she hates that she is tired because she _likes_ dogs but not _that much_ and she never had to take care of animals in her life because she could barely take care of herself, but she didn't know how to say _no_ to Poe when he asked her to take care of BB, and the dog kept her up all night, and now her apartment is full of fur and will be for the foreseeable future until she finds the force to clean. But instead of screaming at him, she just storms out only for him to follow her into the empty mail room. Something simmering between them - in his eyes - that makes her hands shake. His tone wasn’t unkind, he wasn’t angry, in fact he might have looked a little worried, and _that_ is what worries Rey most of all. Hate is easy, she should stick to it.

Before he can even say anything more she's kissing him, yanking him down to her by his stupid silk tie. It ends with her propped on the old broken copy machine, his pants around his ankles while he trusts into her, his hands on her waist, on her thigh, his mouth on her. He's not stupid, not inconsiderate, and she cannot hate the way his fingers prepared her, how careful he is at first and how satisfying his kisses are. There's so much bubbling inside her that when his fingers reach her clit once again she comes so hard she's lightheaded for a second, and she doesn't let him pull out, her brain hell bent on being as stupid as she can be in her pursuit of this weird kind of _rage_ that he sparked inside her and that she can't even describe. 

‘I’m on the pill’ she says in the end, when he pulls out. He’s still bent over her, breathing loudly in her ear, and she feels somewhat proud that she made him like this, that she conquered some small part of Ben Solo.

'Good’ is all he says while he gets his pants back up, with the same neutral tone that he uses during meetings and that she hates.

She hates him and how intense it all felt, how it still feels, while he gets the handkerchief out of his breast pocket to clean her up. It's the last time he touches her, then he looks at her as if nothing that just happened had actually happened, even though she is still naked from the waist down.

'I'm clean’ he says again, still neutral.

'I hate you’ Rey whispers before he strengthens up, ready to leave just the way she knows he will, hands in his pockets and a scowl on his face.

'I know’ it’s what he says before walking out just as she thought he would.

* * *

The day Hux makes a stupid comment under his breath about her appearance, Ben manhandles her a little more than usual when she goes to him that evening. She doesn't know how he _knows_ what that small remark by Hux has torn open within her: years and years of insecurities piled up so high inside her she felt like she could hardly breath for the rest of the day, constantly fussing over the stitching and tailoring of her clothes, if they really appeared as cheap and shabby as Hux described them. But Ben takes off her clothes methodically, and then he is on her with his mouth, holding her hips down until she comes twice, only to then pick her up and arrange her as he wants, and she _lets_ him. 

He sits on the edge of the bed, right in front of the full door mirror of his wardrobe, and then he's moving her on his lap, her back to his chest, forcing her to watch while he pushes inside her, the stretch that by now is a delicious pleasure she can’t even pretend to hate. Rey doesn't exactly know what she thinks, a mess of lust while he forces her to watch, him, herself, the way he disappears inside her, the way his hands explore her body, and the way his eyes do, too, with an intensity that makes her cheeks burn red, her breath stutter. It leaves her whimpering while she sees everything he does to her, while she see what she does to him, too. 

It's the look in his eyes, the way his hands hold her, the way he pushes into her trying not to loose control, the way he flushes from his chest to the top of his ears that seems to erase not only Hux’s words, but a lifetime of feelings of inadequacy. He looks at her in the eyes through the mirror when she comes, and she fists her hand in his hair so to force him to look at her, too when he comes biting her shoulder to hide a moan she would have loved to hear. 

She stumbles up from his lap still breathless, legs a little bit unstable, and she leaves quicker than she ever has before. 

He doesn't seem affected by that at all the next day, nothing seems to touch him, a mask of indifference on his face until he is angry enough to let it slip or until it was just the two of them naked, in more ways than one.

* * *

The second time feels like she's losing this game they are playing, this war against the invisible cut outs of who they are supposed to be, what they are supposed to feel, want. It's not entirely clear how he ended up on his knees in front her, eating her out in her office, and it should feel like a win for her, it really should, but the look he’s giving her at her every badly-suppressed moan makes her think that _he’s_ the one winning. It's criminal how good he is at this, and there are so many snarky remarks she wants to make about the situation - him on his knees, his sinful mouth - but nothing comes out of her but whimpers and moans. 

They were screaming at each other about their vastly different ideas on the use of the year's surplus budget just some moments before he was on his knees, of that at least she is sure. When Ben gets up, adjusting himself in his pants after she comes on his mouth, he looks like it never happened, like it doesn't affect him at all that she's still sitting down, her legs like jelly and still spread wide open, stockings and panties down to her ankles. Which is fine, it's _fine_ , because this is something else, this is hate fucking, and she has never done it before, but she always thought it was something intense. And how could it not be? Ben Solo is nothing but intense in all he does. 

So maybe he's not affected, or maybe he is - the bulge in his pants, and the point of his ears sticking out from his hair, red, flushed - it doesn't really matter. What matters is that she gets back at him, which is how she finds herself on her knees a couple of days later, in an empty conference room where everyone had left them alone in after they derailed the latest budget meeting by starting to scream at one another once again. It's just a plus that he has a nice cock, that she likes to suck him, to see his hands grip the armrests so tight he might tear them apart, or his hand in her hair, almost cradling her and completely at odds with whatever it is that they are doing. But when he comes in her mouth and she stands up only to see the mess she's made of him - out of breath, flushed, his eyes shining - she's proud that she's not at a disadvantage anymore, she caught up. She's winning, getting back at him, whatever. There's really nothing more to it. Nothing at all, it's just good to flush it out of their system this way. 

* * *

They have nothing in common, and their lives have led them in complete opposite directions form one another: different countries, different schools, vastly different problems… until it all converged to have them meet in conference room number seven, on the sixteenth floor of the old First Order building. Rey doesn't think anyone really likes Ben: Hux is waiting for nothing but the opportunity to start a take over of his own, Phasma just likes whoever allows her to make money, Finn just barely respects him out of the obligation he feels to have to do so after Ben didn't snitch on him when he was about to leave First Order for Rebellion… Some say he's not a good man, and their shouting matches are often used to remark on that, although he never insults her character, only the quality of her job. 

It's annoying how of late Rose and Finn use Ben as a starting point for them to bring up Poe, which irritates and anger her: how good looking Poe is, a bit cocky but a nice guy, definitely the guy she should be with, the guy she deserves... they talk about him so much that Rey wonders weather it isn't them who really want to get into a relationship with Poe. Not that she has ever thought about relationships before. They are too messy for her, they require a level of involvement and commitment that she's never been able - willing - to give, it would imply that she'd have to face some of the things she never thinks about, talks about. Hooks up have been okay, the hate sex with Ben even better. She gets very good sex while somehow also getting back at him, or so she thinks. It's always so intense - his eyes, his mouth, his hands, his body on hers and the dirty things he whispers in her ear while he thrusts into her, pinning her down, washing away the stress of the day, quieting the storm inside her - but hate sex is always intense. _Hate_ is an intense emotion, and she feels it often with Ben, just like when she almost hit him in the face when she threw a stapler at him, to Leia’s horror. Ben had remained unshaken by that display of fury, as if he, unlike everyone else, didn’t consider it out of character for her. He just left his home address on a post it on her desk afterwards.

* * *

She doesn't stay, he never asks her to stay. It's just a (very intense, for her) hate fuck to get it out of their system at the end of most days. The fact that they have this kind of _routine_ where she goes to his apartment is nothing too deep, there's no need to read into it. Just like Rey doesn't think much of it when she starts to find food in tupperware on the counter on her way out. He must have prepared it there to put it away in the fridge, and she always arrives before he can. It's just another way to get back at him, pettiness on her part, to steal his leftovers - and never return his tupperware - on her way out after they fuck. 

_He_ never mentions it, _she_ never mentions it. But the food is always there, something different every day, not takeaway, but _homemade_. It surely is a coincidence that the day of her birthday there's a big piece of chocolate cake in a square tupperware. It's not like it matters, she never told anyone about her birthday because it doesn't feel like her day, she doesn't even know if it's really the day she was born or if it is just the day she was found, just like she cannot say if Rey is her real name or if it's somehow related to the memory she has of seeing the name Rahe scratched on the leather of the backseat of the abandoned car she lived in until she was found by social service. She doesn't even want to _think_ about it, so the cake doesn't matter. It doesn't matter that it's a big piece, it doesn't matter that chocolate is her favourite. She finds it on the counter like every time, and like every time Ben doesn't mention anything about it, his kitchen looks pristine as always. There are some tears in her eyes when she touches the oven door and she feels some lingering warmth on it, but it doesn't matter. 

They just hate each other and they fuck it out so that they don't kill each other at work. That's all there is.

* * *

'This is garbage’ he says one day letting the report she spent hours working on fall loudly on her desk.

His face doesn't betray anything, the usual indifference, the usual scowl. A remainder of what it is that they are really doing, scratching an itch, and maybe she will go to him tonight and she will bite him so hard she'll leave a sign, retaliation in this weird war they are fighting.

'It's not’ she says, firm, standing her ground.

'You got your data from Finn, who trusted DJ, who gave him incomplete data that made your report useless’

Anger is bubbling up in Rey once again, her hands clenching around the report, ready to tear it to shreds.

'But Hux and Phasma said we could outsource data to DJ...’

'Never trust Hux and Phasma’ he says calmly, he doesn't look angry at her at all, and she's puzzled by that. He should be screaming, he should be stomping, show his irritation for her mistake in some way, because they hate each other and he most certainly hates delays on work created by incompetence, especially incompetence carried on through the chain of those who should know better. 

'Then why would Hux... ?’ She begins, but she doesn't need to finish the question to know the answer. Hux is _Hux_ , and maybe that's where his hate is at the moment. 

Not that she's thinking too much about it, his hate for her, although sometimes she does. She wonders if it's on the days that he hates her a little bit more than the others that he takes her from behind, a hand between her shoulders keeping her down while he hits _that_ spot just _right_ , making her scream into his pillow, hands clenching his sheet. She suddenly remembers how less than a week ago he did just that, only to then pull out to come on back, his fingers drawing patterns with his cum on her skin while she tried to catch her breath... and it should have felt obscene, it probably was. He just makes her feel _so good_ , and she cannot stop herself from thinking about how sex has never left her like that before: loose limbed and satisfied. How it has never been so intense even in the smallest details, how she has rarely allowed anyone to take the amount of control she surrenders almost daily to Ben without even questioning it once. It has to do with the hate, surely, the hate makes things easier. 

* * *

The first time she knocks on his door it's on a Thursday at 7.15 pm. Her boxing class got cancelled, and given that it is her main outlet for frustration and anger, and that she had quite a shitty day overall, Rey finds herself in front of Ben’s apartment without being fully conscious of what she's doing until he opens the door and she finds herself face to face with him. She shouldn't be here, she knows that, because she hates him, so there is no reason for her to want to see him more than she already does. But their hate sex thing is good, very good, and it is enough to relax her. It helps that he doesn't ask any questions, he just takes her to his bedroom and she lets him make a mess of her. 

He doesn't comment on how she hasn't shaved her legs, her armpits, in weeks; in fact he says almost nothing at all but some dirty talk that he probably couldn't get out while they hate fucked in the office. It's nice to hear him moan, it's _very_ nice to look at him, his stupid big and proportionate body that she really likes. She leaves as soon as her legs are working again, while he decides that he's had enough of her and goes to take a shower. 

They don't scream at each other much at the office after that, only some heated arguments once in a while. She knocks on his door at least three times a week, and the intensity stays, it never seems to fade.

* * *

The day he chastises her in front of the whole team for her unwavering faith in Luke’s work, she never lets him speak. She doesn't let him take her clothes off, she doesn't let him take _his_ clothes off either. She pins him down on the rug of his living room, both of her hands on his forearms, keeping his hands above his head while she rides him hard and fast, never breaking eye contact, not even for a moment, not even while she uses his favourite tie to clean his cum off her, not even while she kisses him deeply before leaving, her stockings ruined and her makeup messy. 

She never says anything to Kaydel and Rose, she never contradicts them when they claim it is Ben who’s making a mistake discarding Luke as out of touch, no matter how much she ends up agreeing with Ben after that, seeing more and more mistakes in Luke’s work, even in what still lingers behind by Han. 

* * *

There are things she discovers about him, small details that filter through the fucks that are not so rushed anymore. Sometimes they take their time, sometimes he eats her out for a while before fucking her, other times she torments him by kissing every part of his body until he’s incapable to hide what he really wants. It’s those times that she sees him smile, that she see a part of Ben Solo no one else gets to see, and it goes to her head a little, making her fuzzy with a felling she cannot understand. She takes a little bit more to dress when they are done, she allows her eyes to travel around the various rooms of his apartment, which is it's not as big as she expected. 

He doesn't live in a penthouse, although she _knows_ he has the money, he just lives in a place that it's not so much bigger than hers, a couple of rooms more, a little bit more spacious and with minimalist furniture, like one of those photos that end up on the cover of Nordic-inspired interior designed magazines. There's little of him, some books and old dvds, lots of papers in his living room from the work he brings home, his qualifications, framed but not hanged, half hidden on the floor, propped up against a side of the library. His well-used kitchen and a cupboard full of clean tupperware for her to steal when filled with food. There are notebooks everywhere, and he writes by hand more than she would have expected. He has a small collection of fountain pens and inks and she wonders how many of those notebooks have been his diaries through the years, although she never opens any of them. She knows very well how good his calligraphy is. 

She also wonders how come he's always at home when she knocks on his door. They never discuss it beforehand, never had. She knows he goes out with Mitaka, Bazine, Phasma and Hux sometimes. She knows because Zorri sometimes joins them too, and she told this to Poe who told everyone about it. But it's not often, just like she doesn't goes out with Finn, Rose and the others often, at least not as often as they meet each other in the pub near the office alongside Kydel, Poe and Jannah. Sometimes she stays home, sometimes she has boxing, sometimes she gets tired of being called _sunflower_ , she gets tired of having to smile, of the assumptions made, of the things that are never asked, of the way she is seen that doesn't resemble at all who she really is. She used to stay home those nights, now she goes to Ben’s, wanting to feel the way he hates her with his hands on her skin, his lips on hers. She thinks she can begin to read him too, how lonely he is, how much he understands about her, the fragility she can see behind his mask, the reality and the consequences of a dysfunctional family in which everyone was too taken by their own life to take into account the needs of a shy boy. 

It's not conversations they have, just snippets, sentences thrown here and there, before and after, while it becomes easier and easier to go to him, to be welcomed in a home no matter what they said to each other at work, to have food made specifically for her, and it becomes harder and harder to leave afterwards. And maybe he knows, maybe he knows how hard it is for her and he does it for more than one reason, fuck her from behind, not only because of how much she likes it but for the excuses she can make for herself when he lets himself lie on her a bit afterwards, delaying her escape a little bit longer every time. But it's her imagination, her sick mind that makes her see things that are not there, because they hate each other, and they are just good at fucking each other, and it is intense _because_ of the hate. And hate is all there is, he never really speaks, he never really asks and the smallest things do not matter. He never touches her once they are done, he never looks affected _afterwards_ or _before_ , and so is she, which is why no one has ever had any bit of suspicion about what's going on between them. It's just hate, they just hate each other, and they fuck it out, and it's intense. Nothing more. Nothing more.

* * *

They don't talk much, and at first she reminds him how much she hates him while he fucks her. For her sake, but also to see what he will do, if he would fuck her harder. The first couple of times he just moves her legs to rest on his shoulders while he pushes down on her and he goes _slower_ , _deeper_ , leaving her speechless while looking at her right in the eyes, until she can't take it anymore and she has to close them, leaning back on the pillows, moaning loudly until he’s satisfied enough and lets her come.

* * *

It's almost closing time on a Thursday when Han comes in. Almost a year since the fusion, a couple of months into whatever she and Ben have been doing. 

The argument between Han and Ben can be clearly heard by everyone, despite Amilyn and Leia pleas for the two men to calm down. While everyone else seemed to focus on how terrible Ben is for screaming like that at Han, something cracks a bit inside Rey. She has heard him scream many times before, but never like this. There’s a painful edge to his voice, as if he is on the brink of tears, scared and most of all _hurt_. 

She is surprised to find him at home later, as much as she is surprised by her _need_ to go to him.

It's different from the other times, he seems to be avoiding her eyes, his forehead on her collarbone, between her neck and her shoulder, breathing her in, while he keeps her on his lap, arms around her keeping her as close as possible, almost maddening slow thrusts. She lets him, with her arms around his broad shoulders she has the weird impulse to give him what he needs, and she’s glad he’s avoiding her eyes. She’s afraid of what he could see in hers, what she could see in his.

He doesn't let her go for some time after they are done, not until his hands slowly go slack on her and she can get up and go to the bathroom. When she comes back he's in bed, his back to her, and he looks so tense it leaves a weird feeling in Rey’s stomach, worry and the need to do something, not to be alone.

She looks outside the window, it's early November and the rain is coming down strong, the wind blowing hard.

'It looks terrible outside, I'll bother you a little bit more until it gets better, no need of me getting a cold on your account’ she says slipping in bed behind him.

He seems to relax the moment she’s behind him, even if they are not touching, even if they are not facing each other, but she's gone in the morning long before he wakes up.

* * *

The week is terrible from the very beginning. 

On Monday, Phasma, always hell bent on doing everything within her power to increase her share, agreed to an impossible deadline with a client in exchange for a ridiculous amount of money that still didn't made up for the fact that she hadn't consulted any one else on the matter, especially those who would have to work on the actual product. From a very quiet couple of weeks, Rey is suddenly drowning in work, deadlines looming over her head and a team that isn't as helpful as it should be. With Rose and Finn still fighting over DJ, and Zorri and Poe flirting with each other, Jannah seems to be the only to grasp the mess they are in if they don't finish in time. 

Still, Hux comes to scold her anyway, adding fuel to the fire that makes her hands shake, tempting her to writing to Amilyn and just quit, in rage, out of spite, she doesn't even know. She just knows that she has to take her laptop home to finish some work during the weekend, but when she gets home, after getting drenched in a downpour of rain, it is only for her to discover that the heating is not working, and the laptop doesn't seem to work even though she is _sure_ it didn't get wet, and her fridge is empty and she is tired, and she feels alone, scared of the possible failure and its consequences that is looming on the horizon for her. She's as close to a breakdown as she's been in years, and the moment she gets herself into some dry clothes she's out again, not really realising where she's going until she's kissing Ben against the wall of his hallway in his warm apartment, his warm hands on her skin, his body solid and safe passed up against her. 

As always he doesn't ask, he just matches her kiss, his hands already working to get under her sweater. And he's warm, so warm, she feels like a piece of ice after the rain and the chill of her empty apartment, the smell of cooked food coming from his kitchen. It's a moment and then she's crying so much she cannot even pretend she isn't. A full blown cry as she hasn't had in years, with sobs and copious tears, and a running nose that makes her shake.

'I'm sorry’ she tries to say through the sobs that shake her, her eyes clouded. 

Ben just looks at her, his hands a bit more firm on her waist. And Rey just _wants_ , she wants to feel safe, understood, cuddled, even if for just a little bit, even if he just hates her and come Monday she might regret this, he might consider her _too much_ and end whatever it is that is going on between them, leave just like everyone else always has.

'Can you just hold me for a moment? I'll stop in a second I...’ 

She can barely finish the sentence that he's already hugging her, a hand on the back on her head and another on her back, his sweatshirt soft under he cheek. She's more surprised that she cares to admit about his gentles caresses, about the way he holds her to him until the crying stops. 

He leads her towards the bedroom afterward and Rey’s okay, she's _wants_ him naked on top of her, but he pushes her into the bathroom instead. She doesn't know what to say, what to do when he has her sit down on the closed lid of the toilet and begins to removed the makeup she forgot she was wearing with a warm wet towel. Just as gently and just as silently he leads her to bed, takes off her clothes and then his with a soft expression on his face she has never seen before. 

It’s a day of firsts, because she has never been spooned before, but it's nice, it's so nice to be held by him, his arm around her, her back flush to his chest, and her hand resting on his. She falls asleep faster than she has in years, and she wakes up to the sound of rain against the windows. The sky is cloudy and she is warm and cozy under the duvet, Ben still holding her to him, his breath ticking the back of her neck. She turns around gently, so that she can face him and look at him while he sleeps. He’s as beautiful as ever, if not more, and Rey finds herself tracing his profile and the moles that dot his face with the tips of her fingers, making him slowly blink awake before she can even think of leaving.

He smiles lazily at her, and her hearth flips in her chest. She wants to talk, for once, wants to ask what it means, how much he still hates her, what will happen come Monday, but then he's kissing her, small kisses all over her face and she forgets everything, lazy and messy morning sex giving her everything she didn't know she wanted. 

The fear, the doubt, the overthinking, they come afterwards, when Ben goes to take a shower and the rain stops. 

Rey slips away unnoticed.

* * *

She works all weekend to make sure they can meet Phasma’s stupidly promised deadline. Rey fixes her heating, goes grocery shopping, cleans the house and even does a load of laundry, but she can never get it out of her head, they way Ben held her, his half lidded eyes in the morning while his hands cradled her cheeks, her hands in his hair while he fucked her slowly, messily, until he came with a chocked moan half inside her and half on his sheets. He didn't seem to care, he just pushed her close and used his finger on her until she came two more times with him whispering her name between kisses.

* * *

He isn't in the office on Monday. 

Leia sent him to Chicago on afternoon Saturday so that he could have a Sunday lunch meeting with one of the old First Order clients that still wasn't convinced by the fusion with Rebellion. Which is normal, given his status in the hierarchy, he's at a much higher level than she is, he’s older, even though she sometimes forgets it given the amount of time they spend together, the way he seems to care about her opinions. She checks the weather for Chicago simply because it's known that O’Hare will get shut down the moment the snow comes, and the snow is, indeed, coming. 

Which is fine, it's fine. She's nervous only because she really wants to talk to him, and she doesn't want to, all at the same time. But she has to see him, to see if he still hates her, if he resents her for leaving or if all that she's allowed to see of him is those glimpses he gives her when he takes off his mask to fuck her and kiss her and hold her when she asks. 

Did what happened Friday meant anything to him? She isn’t even sure of what it meant to her.

She's thinks she’s doing a pretty good job at keeping it together until she hears Leia and Amilyn walk down the corridor and chat with one another.

‘I can’t believe he refused a lift from Luke! That boy is so stubborn he rather stay in the airport until the snow is clear than have a few hours car drive with his uncle!’ Leia sights, making Amilyn chuckle.

‘Yes, how surprising. I wonder who he got that from’ 

‘Oh that is Han, not me!’

‘Sure is!’ Amilyn laughs while Rey tries not to think about why she feels so disappointed and worried at the same time. 

She doesn’t have his number, but it’s pretty easy to find on the company address book. She saves it in her phone but never calls him, never texts, Rey just checks the status of the one flight that is bound to the city on the O’Hare website constantly. It was still marked as delayed when the meeting for product management started, and where she, rightfully, told Phasma exactly what she thought of her and her stupidity in promising such impossible deadlines before going home early. Leia could have certainly have fired her if it wasn’t for Jannah taking Rey’s side and explaining the insane amount of work they had squeeze through in such a short amount of time. 

It’s in that span of time that the flight takes off, and by the time she’s done cleaning her apartment and taking a shower it is shown as ‘landed two hours ago’ on the website. At that point, Rey knows that Ben would be home, if she were to go to him. Even if he stopped by headquarters to talk to Leia, he would be home if she were to go.

But it takes her a while, to force herself to just _go_ , she’s somehow fussing over clothing even though she knows well that he’s never remarked on it, not even when she showed up in an old sweater that had more holes that she cared to admit. But then she _is_ going, and for the first time, it takes a while for Ben to open the door after she knocks. As if he wasn’t expecting her like he always does, or maybe he never expected her all along… but before her mind can spiral into overthinking, he opens the door and just stares at her, looking good even with dump hair and an old pj on. When she gets a better look at him, she can see that he looks very tired, a bit pale, eyes heavy, and Rey is momentarily frozen, not knowing what to do, what to say.

‘Hey’ he says hoarsely, almost a whisper. There are bags under his eyes and Rey is surprise to find herself thinking that she would like to hold him like he held her on Friday.

He looks at her for just a moment longer before he moves aside to let her in, but Rey thinks she caught some sadness in his eyes anyway, even though she doesn’t understand what it is for. It’s a kind of sadness different from the one she saw in him the day Han came to the office. Suddenly, she is terrified that he might not want her there, that he’s sad because he’ll have to let her down gently and this will lead to some office-related awkwardness. After what happened Friday… maybe he didn’t want to see her again… maybe…

She has so many doubts, and they are both looking at each other in silence, still in the hallway, not having moved a step further into the house. The cold from outside still clings to Rey’s skin and she hugs herself, lowing her eyes and trying not to get caught in Ben’s gaze, trying not to cry at how _devasting_ she suddenly realised it would be if she couldn’t touch him anymore, if he weren’t to open the door for her the moment she knocked, despite everything. Maybe it was never about hate, and getting it out of her system, and now she was about to lose it all.

‘I don’t hate you’ she says in the end, it’s all the comes out of her while tears start to cloud her eyes. ‘I hate that I didn’t know you went away’ 

‘I can’t do this anymore’ he answers, his voice cracking on the last word and Rey can’t even look up at him. She knew this would happen, she thought that by hating Ben it could be avoided, but… it wasn’t hate, she had been lying to herself, just like she has countless times before, about her past, about her parents, but what happened with her parents was something she couldn’t stop as a child. Ben, on the other hand, had never been anything less than welcoming, always opening the door to her, and now she was about to lose him because… Tears are already rolling down her cheeks, and she can barely stop herself from sobbing.

‘Rey?’ his voice is still low, his hand on her cheek, moving her face so that she _has_ to look at him. He looks confused, conflicted, and Rey doesn’t know what do. She doesn’t want to come across as needy or clingy, she has never tried to make someone stay before, she never had the opportunity because she never opened herself up completely to anyone. Ben though, Ben understood her even without her opening up, he accepted the smiles and the grumpiness and the rage and never held any of it against her, so if there was a time for her to fight for something it probably was now. And maybe she could have some hope, maybe he didn’t hate her… he never said he hated her, she did, often, but Ben never did. Maybe it isn’t too late. 

‘I like you’ is all she can get out in a whisper, before clearing her throat and continuing, just a little bit more ‘it has become the best part of my day, coming here and… and it’s always difficult to… leave’

Ben takes a sharp intake of breath at that, his hands wiping the tears from her cheeks and the ghost of a small smile on his lips.

‘Then don’t. Don’t leave. I… I don’t know how much longer I can do this if you keep leaving, I never hated you, you’re so brilliant and beautiful I thought this was all I could get until you finally realise how terrible I am like everyone else, until you… I don’t know, finds a men who deserves you. But I want more, I’ve always wanted more, I want it all, and to let you go every time was so _hard_ , Rey, _Rey_ ’ he seems to get it all out in a single breath, and it takes Rey a second before she is able to fully get what he just said, but when she does she’s crying again.

‘Okay, okay’

‘I can make you dinner’ he offers before kissing her lips.

It was nice, kissing him before, but kissing him now, knowing that he _wants_ as much as she does… it’s incredible.

‘I will stay even without the dinner’ she clarifies, and Ben laughs a bit, warmth and happiness slowly spreading through her body.

‘I like cooking for you. It’s the best part of my day, too, hearing you knock, opening the door for you to come in’


End file.
